I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
