I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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