I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you had me at cake vodka
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
