Don't make out with my wife yet
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
