I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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