My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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