Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
