he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
