so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
