you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
