Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
