I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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