Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
