sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
