I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
