So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
