insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
