I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
