you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
