My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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