some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
