I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
