My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
