How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
