jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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