I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
