If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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