your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
