Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
