The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
