I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
