I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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