You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
