One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
