my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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