Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
