mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
