My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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