That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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