its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
