Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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