I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
