I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
