I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
