Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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