So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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