So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
