I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
