I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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