Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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