dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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