Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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