I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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