Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
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your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
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My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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