shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
