My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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