i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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