can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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