he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
